What the heck is going on?!

So Lord, You are aware with the things I’ve done. Oh my God, I don’t know what to do anymore. Like this one, I don’t know what to write, or should I even write? I mean it is becoming completely dull and I feel so fucked up like what the hell is going on? I mean of all these days, after all those moments, promises, prayers, my life is still like this. Lord, what should I do? I already did things I always think I should do. But I am still here, unmotivated, suffering all the ugliness I wanted to avoid. Like seriously? After all what I’ve done. I mean how hypocrite am I? I mean shut up Adam you already did this and it always ends up like this so what’s the fucking point? Like Lord do you even look at me? I’ve been suffering and I need help. I always seek help from You but here I am wanting to die ’cause no help’s found. I mean what the heck is going on? Lord, please take me there in heaven. I am super tired. I just want to live a good life, with You, if I don’t deserve this then please just let me rest eternally. Please, Lord Jesus…